Ugh so here are the facts. 

1. I am fat. 

2. I love my body.

3. I would like to exercise more and eat better. 

4. I have dreadlocks. 

5. I have a wonderful boyfriend. 

6. I work as an accountant in a professional environment. 

How do these things all come together? I am feeling the desire to cut off my dreadlocks. Shave my head down to the shiny skin. However, I have this idea in my head that being fat and bald are two negatives and that I will look awful. My mind keeps saying that if I lose weight first, I will look better bald. This is poisonous thinking, I know. It doesn’t go with anything I believe in about self-love and positive body image. But I can’t get it out of my head. 

The other facts come together because I want to exercise and eat better. This will inevitably lead to my body shrinking. I want it to shrink just a bit. Yes, I think you can love your body and want it to be smaller. That is a discussion for another time. Back to my baldness, I keep thinking since I want to be smaller anyway I should just wait until that time and then shave my head. However, another part of me wants to just take scissors and chop it all off, knock out my front teeth, and say fuck you to society. 

Lastly, there is my boyfriend and my job. My boyfriend loves me and I know he would stay with me if I were bald but I would be extremely self-concious that he would no longer find me attractive even if he tried to convince me otherwise. I know that he would rather me have hair than not. My job is another consideration because although they wouldn’t fire me, I’m not sure how professional I would look. 

All of these facts together leave me confused. All this time learning to love who I am and what I look like and I’m back and square one wondering what people will think of me and if my look will be socially acceptable.